I'm gonna blog and then I'm gonna sleep. It's been exhausting today.
A year has almost passed since the start. I still remember so clearly how term started this year. I was wandering around the school hall and waiting for terence and Hubert to come out of the car, walking around not knowing where the classroom is, finally found it and when I peeked in I freaked out, bla bla bla. I started of as a guai lan being over-ly friendly till it's scary. We played games in the classroom like whacko, and everyone only remembered bon's and clive's name.
Back then there was still a 40min recess and everyone is still in a holiday mood. It took me pretty long to realise there are more boys in class than girls, and it took me a week to accept that fact, holy mama wtf.
This year had been the most memorable followed by year 2. This year I won something for myself (guitar 2nd in ossia competition hurray). However, this year had been the most horrendous, most scary, and I would never ever have walked it out without the help of all my friends.
This year many things fell apart, like in EL we faced problems. First it was yr3 vs yr4, then it was yr3 vs ms hia, then it was yr3 vs yr3. On the surface everything seems fine but I know deep down inside scars havent heal, they just stopped bleeding. I admit I was not very close to the class for the whole of this year other than my clique whom I feel comfortable hanging out with, going to each other's house when we are bored, and finding someone to rape when hands get itchy, even so, things also have been unstable.
This year lots of things became more vigrous, and that itself wears you out mentally. More things to cope with, and more responsibilities since entering year 3. Life is different and you rarely get to reach home at 2.30 this year.
Anxiety plagued me since march and it left me with the largest scars. Feeling anxious for nothing, and you know its nothing. Putting on a smile in front of everyone and acting normal, but infact its sqinching inside and every single sound makes a jump in you. During those moments, when the door bangs people get shocked, but it left me momentarily paralyzed for 5-6 seconds. Those days I desprately wake my mom up because I've been flipping around the bed from 10-3 in cold sweat, finally manage to get a little sleep from 3-6, and then wake up completely anxious tired hungry and irritable. Knowing that your house and the bed awaits impending doom, I try my best to stay out as long as possible, and secretly sob at night in my bed because of all the mental breakdowns. The hardest part of this anxiety disorder thing is accepting that I have a brain condition, the 2nd hardest part is to live with it, and the 3rd hardest part was to put on a smile.
During August we stopped talking. Yeah it was my fault. Lots of things and transitions happened. But seeing you feel better and start forgetting, my heart feels at ease :)
EOYs arent really eoys to me this year since I was partially exempted. Actually that relaxed feeling sort of pulled me down. I lost the urge to hiong study and now I don't know how to do maths.
School ends in 3 days and I'm looking forward to it. On the other side, I really hope school won't end. Without school, my life is boring and dull.