I hate my current self so badly.
I feel dead all the time, my body feels heavy, and I don't know when I will be geuninely cheerful again.
Today, I went to swim with Hubert and my bro. I remembered Hubert, we use to be very high together. Now, I feel so dead all the time. I barely smiled throughout. I feel different and plauged. I want to be cheerful again, I want my old self back so badly, so so badly. Those times when I can come to school smiling and go home smiling, those days when I can go home alone and still feel happy, those times when my cheerfulness can influence people and put a smile on their faces, those times my laughter is needed to lift the atmosphere, those times I feel great and glee genuinely, I feel so distant from them. I want them back, I want them back so badly.
I don't know why I keep looking at my past. I was so cheerful. It makes me feel like crying right now. I hate my current self, and I want my old, worry free, anxiety free, stress free, innocent and cheerful light-hearted life style.
I didn't have a nice sleep again. I felt anxious throughout the night. Waking up at 3 o clock in the wee hours, with a palpilating heart beat and sweat all over your body, it's a torture I need to fight everyday. I don't know when this will end. I hate it, and anxiety plauged my life. It tore me apart from my cheerful self, it tore me apart from my happiness, it disillusioned me from time to time to find the point in life, its just such a huge liability in my life. I want to remain optimistic, but looking at the number of battles I fought with myself ever since April, what's racing in my mind is, when will everything just stop?
I need a hug so badly. I feel like crying so badly. I want to escape from all these shyt thrown onto my life. Why do people say this is growing up? I will rather stay as a child for life. At least when a child smiles, you know it's a genuine smile.
I need a hug so badly.
December. My last fight. End my anxiety by then, once and for all. I don't want to continue my life this way anymore.
Hey, my first tear dropped from my eyes.

Labels: myself